Summary: Jesse POV on the events of 'A Breed Apart' and 'Past As Prologue'
- and probably beyond, which would make it a WIP!!
Spoilers: Huge Spoilers for A Breed Apart and Past As Prologue, but will probably add Power Play, Time Squared, Future Revealed, No Man Left Behind and Signs From Above - and maybe more episodes as they air.
Notes: My initial intention was to just do a couple of scenes about Jess getting to grips with his new powers, but it kind of got away from me and turned into this. And though I intended to call a halt here, at the end of Past As Prologue, Chya (oh, and the boy now she's mentioned it!! *glower*) seems to think there's more to be dealt with. So I'm probably going to be adding to it in the coming days.
The most enormous thanks to Chya for letting me share her views on how phasing certain things might differ, and everything else that we've chatted about and analysed and enjoyed together. And for encouraging me to do something that I really don't normally do...
****
I never thought I'd see this book again - never thought I'd need it, not once
I'd become comfortable with myself and my abilities, found a place to belong,
people to be with who just wanted me to be me. But after all this time, it seems
that I'm right back where I started...
Damn, but I hate writing - always seems such hard work when there's a perfectly good keyboard to hand. But one of the many shrinks my folks used to ship me off to, in their attempts to work out who and what I was so they could try and make me into what they wanted me to be, once told me that putting things down on paper gave them more meaning than typing them onto a screen. No backspace or delete keys, you see? No way of simply erasing the words as if they'd never been. I did a lot of that back then. As if expunging them from the computer's memory could somehow help me deny they'd ever existed, that the reasons for writing them had never happened. Only it never really seemed to work out that way.
And then, back when I was struggling with my powers and getting so frustrated by the way they were controlling me and not the other way round, Adam suggested that keeping a record of what was happening would help me see that I was in fact making progress, even when it seemed I was taking two steps back for every hard-won step forward. I was sceptical, but he persisted - even gave me this book and a pen so I wouldn't have any excuses. And it did kind of work, at least enough that I couldn't really find a good enough reason to stop.
Looking back now over some of those earlier pages I can see that he was right. I came a long way - a lot further than I maybe realised. A lot further than he maybe gives me credit for.
Which is why I'm sitting here with pen in hand, staring at a blank sheet of paper, trying to remember how I ever made myself write all that stuff before. Because what happened today has me as rattled as anything that's gone before and I need something, some way of working through it that won't involve any of the others. They have their own issues to resolve right now too, and I need to prove to myself - and, if I'm honest, to them as well, particularly Adam - that I can deal with this on my own. I just wish it wasn't all so daunting...
So... where to start...? How about:
Wednesday
Today I dumped Brennan on his butt - and I didn't even have to lay a finger on him to do it! It should have been funny, but in the circumstances I was too busy worrying about Emma's sudden propensity for firing off emotional bomb-blasts to do much laughing. That and wondering what the hell was happening to me...
A New Mutant growth spurt, Adam calls it. Well, I've already been through puberty once, and I have no desire to do it again, thanks all the same. But it seems that, not content with making me everyone else's personal bulletproof vest and pet last resort 'breaker-and-enterer' when the breaking bit would be a bad idea, my mutation now wants to turn me into public enemy number one every time I phase.
I had no control over it - it just happened. And for a moment there I had no idea how to stop it. It scared me how much effort it took to get everything - the stairs *and* me - back to normal, and I was so wiped by it that I actually had to take an afternoon nap! Haven't done that since I was a kid... And it hurt... Well, it would, wouldn't it? Phasing always hurts, but I've kind of grown accustomed to it. But this was a different pain, deeper somehow, more far reaching. I don't even want to think about how it's going to feel when I start actually trying to contain the molecular shift, making it work for me instead of running rampant.
I guess Adam was trying to be encouraging when he told me that I needed to see this new thing as an asset rather than a liability, that once I'd got a grip on it things would all seem different. Easy for him to say, though - he's not the one having to deal with it. And I could have done without the ban on practicing here in Sanctuary - or the reminder that, the way I am at the moment, I'm potentially lethal. That didn't do a whole lot for my already dented self-esteem. I don't enjoy embarrassing myself like I did this morning, and even though Brennan didn't really fall far enough to bruise anything more than his pride, I know it could have been a lot worse. He seemed OK about it after the initial shock, but I still felt like some dumb klutz for letting it happen, for not realising what was going on and stopping it.
Adam's bombshell about this Gabriel Ashlocke, this super-mutant he's so scared of, and the fact that it was Adam himself who actually invented the sub-dermal governor and the pods was just the icing on the cake of a really bad day. I know Adam's no saint, even though I used to think he could walk on water when I was younger, and I also know it's his self-imposed need for atonement that drives him now. But I guess it never really occurred to me before just how far-reaching some of the things he did back then might become for us in the future - or how little I really know about him.
But the bottom line is, unless I can find a way to understand how this thing works, and fast, I'm going to be no good to anyone. And since I can't bear the thought of being left behind while the others go take care of business, I have to believe that it's not going to be as hard as it feels right now.
Tomorrow, first thing, I'm going to start finding out...
*
Thursday
Well, that was fun. Really. Honest...
But the good news is I only trashed half the safehouse - so perhaps I'll go back tomorrow and finish the job. If I'm allowed out, that is. Adam seems to think we're not safe to be running around out there right now - and in my case he's probably right.
He didn't want me to go today, but I reminded him of our conversation yesterday and he had to agree - practice makes perfect, and he won't let me do that here. Besides, he'd already let Brennan and Shalimar out to play, so he couldn't really deny me. He could, though - and did - insist that I keep away from anywhere there might be people near by, which is how I ended up out at the old subway station on the edge of town - the one we haven't used much since my Dad gave away the location to the GSA. I'd have preferred somewhere smaller, less daunting, with fewer bad memories attached, but the other two had nabbed my first choice and though I thought about joining them, Adam also insisted that whatever I did I did alone - "in case of more accidents". I guess he's more like my Dad than I realised - they both know how to make a guy feel good about himself...
I have to say it's a good job the place is disused, really, because the steel girder across the tracks might cause a few problems for any trains. Steel doesn't seem to be my forte. Mind you, neither does copper, aluminium or anything else metal, for that matter. Too densely packed to want to give in to me that easily. Wood's good, though - wood phases like a hot knife through butter. And keeps on phasing. Those damn molecules just don't know when to stop - and if they don't, I can't. At least not until I hit something different, some element I haven't encountered yet, and then there doesn't seem to be any way of making the transition.
Brick's pretty easy, too - nice and porous. Shame it's not transparent, though, because then I'd have seen that loose girder resting up in the tunnel roof before all those nice bricks went intangible in a mad rush that I couldn't stop and let it drop straight through. Made a bit of a mess - which I'm probably going to have to clear up. Oh, and the storage crates, too. The ones that didn't phase when the walkway did and are now on the floor, looking a little battered. Good job there wasn't anything that breakable in them. Well, apart from the stock of spare circuit boards for the security systems - and I just bet Adam's going to take them out of my pay.
But it's not my fault this happened, and I can't think of any other way to get a handle on it than by trial and error. I just wish the trials weren't so taxing and the errors so numerous - and so potentially costly...
I needed another nap when I got home - just reinforcing my feelings of being back in kindergarten. But it all uses up so much energy, takes so much out of me - both physically and emotionally - fighting the pull of those alien molecules as they try and run away with me, make me part of them. And it's so way scary to think about how easily that could happen if I let something distract me, lose my concentration.
So far, then, I'd have to say the downsides of this thing are outweighing the positives big time. And we still have the spectre of this Ashlocke hanging over us. I know we should be out there tracking him down if he's that dangerous, not hiding out here or in the safehouses. But I'm too tired to think about that now, and if Adam's to be believed he'll still be there in the morning...
*
Friday
Trashed the other half of the safehouse this morning. But as Emma was there 'helping' me, I guess I can't take all the credit. I think she realises now why I was so frustrated earlier when she was using me for target practice. Why I feel so disheartened by my lack of progress while the others are all enjoying themselves so much...
Shal's like the cat that got the cream - and why wouldn't she be? This is like Christmas and birthday all rolled into one for her, having all the things she loves about being a feral made ten times better. Plus she's getting to beat the crap out of Brennan while she tests it all out. And Brennan's happy to let her do it, so maybe falling on his butt rattled his brains more than I thought! Just kidding, but the two of them have been spending a lot of time together recently, which kind of makes you wonder...
In any case, Brennan is already getting his act together on his 'rocket boy' thing, as Shal calls it. And how cool is that? Man, what I'd give to be able to fly like that - cover those kinds of distances with just a burst of power. Though he'd better be careful or we'll be expecting him to start wearing his underwear outside his pants!
And Emma? Well, she's having so much fun it's indecent. Those mental bazookas of hers are obviously a great way for her to let off steam. I have no idea what emotions she's putting into them, and I'm not sure I want to find out, but even massed I can tell they pack a punch. She's always wanted to be able to go on the offensive and she's lapped up all the training we've given her to improve her hand to hand skills. But she'll never have the body mass to really put someone down for keeps - and now she doesn't need it.
Which leaves me now as the only one of us with purely defensive powers. How much does that suck! Not that I can't handle myself in a fight, because I can, even without using my body density as protection. I've worked hard for that, expended a lot of sweat and blood in the dojo. But it would be kind of nice to have something more, something I could be firing at the bad guys instead of it always being the other way around...
But I digress. Emma hit the nail on the head, I think, when she said I had the hardest job because I had the whole world to deal with. And that *is* the problem here. Every thing, every substance, every element is different. It may only be subtle, but until I try phasing it I have no idea how differently it's going to react. Whether it's going to suck me in, or try and push me away, make me work for it. So the only way I'm ever going to truly get this sorted is by trying everything. Every single thing in the entire universe.
Until then, the element of doubt will always be there. And I'll always be w
What was I going to write? Can't remember now - and it can't have been that
important. Not as important as the news Adam's just given us - Ashlocke has
Shalimar! I can't believe Brennan let him take her, just like that, didn't fight
harder for her. He'd have had to kill me before I'd have let him... But Adam
says this guy is all of us rolled into one - all-powerful, which is why he's
not letting us go into the Strand to get her back. I can't believe it! I don't
understand how he can just leave her there with him if he's that dangerous.
But he says we have to wait for Gabriel to make his next move, and though I
hate the idea of waiting, of doing nothing while Shal is in trouble, there is
just the tiniest part of me that's grateful for the extra time to recharge my
batteries before we go up against him.
*
Saturday
OK, so maybe, just maybe, this thing is going to work. And just perhaps give me the chance for a little fun as well. Well, I kind of enjoyed sticking Ashlocke's people in the wall and leaving them there for Emma to blast. Like I said at the time, they'd have to be hurting from both ends when they woke up. Mind you, I'm not sure how they were going to get them out of there... But I guess if Ashlocke is as good as Adam says he'll be able to re-phase the wall and release them. Hope so - whatever their intentions, they're still mutants like us and, if what Shal told us is true, only acting under the influence of Ashlocke's power. And I really hate the idea of them dying for him.
Have to say, though, that when I thought about the whole thing later it sort of gave me the shakes. I mean, my biggest fear is of being buried alive - which is kind of bizarre when you think about what I do to myself when I phase through stuff - and there I was happily putting others into a position where it could happen to them. If I'd let them go into the wall face first and left them there... well, it doesn't really bear thinking about. So I'm going to have to be careful how I use that particular trick.
I was pretty nervous going in. The others were all expecting me to just up and use my new powers to get us into Genomex, but they didn't seem to appreciate that I'd never actually tried phasing something with enough control to let a person walk through it. The nearest I'd come was when Emma tried sticking a finger into a wall I'd phased at the safehouse. She seemed fascinated by the whole thing, said it tickled, but that was before the electrical wiring (hard) inside the plaster (easy) fell out and gave her a shock. I should probably add energy-based stuff to my growing list of problem areas - I've worked out that I can phase the conduits fine, but that just releases what they're carrying and that's generally not a good thing.
But they weren't having any of my suggestions that we all just walk in the front way, so I didn't really have any other choice than to go for it. For a moment there, as I made a space in the outer wall big enough to get a bus through, let alone the three of us, I did wonder what would happen if I lost it. If I let them get inside and then couldn't hold the phase long enough for them to get out the other side. If it turned out to be further than it looked, too far for me to handle. At least I know that I can walk through anything as long as it's not too wide for me to hold my breath, stay intangible. But it's become a whole different ballgame now I'm responsible for whichever of the others has come along for the ride. So it's good to know that things reform round whatever's still inside them, rather than trying to crush them out of existence - at least then I'll have the chance to get them out again if I do screw up.
The first one was pretty easy, though, which helped - just plain old brick. I'm getting good with brick. It almost seems to want to help pull me through, unlike other stuff like steel which is just hard work. Brennan bailed out then to go find Shal, which just left Emma to take the really big steps into the unknown with me. And somehow I managed to get the both of us through all the varying barriers blocking our way into the central computer room, despite a couple of nasty moments with some pipework buried in the reinforced concrete that didn't seem to want to play, which was a major achievement given the problems I'd been having while I was practicing. Emma was pretty cool about it, though - she at least seemed to understand what a big deal it was for me, and her confidence in me gave me confidence in myself.
I'm sure I overdid it, particularly on the first couple of tries, phased far more area than I needed to. I should be able to do what's necessary, create the perfect access, without having to give up so much of myself in the process, without having to risk losing myself every time. Without the bone-deep ache it seems to induce...
But we did what we set out to do - to get into Genomex, to take back what Ashlocke stole from us. Shal seems to be OK, though I can tell there's something she's not sharing with us, something that happened while she was with him. But the new mutant database, and the innocent people it contains, is safe - at least for now - and we have a bit of a breathing space to take stock of what's happened the past few days, to work together as a team to make ourselves even stronger for when Ashlocke next sticks his head outside his lair.
I just hope I'm ready to step up to the plate when that time comes.
*